Damaged goods

I don't really know how to describe my day thus far. I have come to the conclusion that I am damaged goods. One might ask why I would say such a thing but the fact of the matter is this I was abused in multiple ways as a child. I'm not in any way turning this into an excuse to feel the way I do at this point in time but the truth is I was abused and that doesn't go away. I'm not here to write a sob story or to gain pity from anyone that reads this. I just need to get it out of my head. I am not the only person that has ever been abused and will not be the last. 

The memory of this has affected me today as it sometimes does and I deal the best way I know how and that is to cry until the tears will fall no more. There are many people who do not know of this terrible past and a few who know small pieces. I need to get my feelings out today so that I can move on and focus on something better. It hurts every time I breath and I just want my heart to stop hurting. This pain is like a cycle only comes around every so often but when its here its like all of those terrible things happened yesterday. My self worth is nothing, I'm pretty good at putting on a show as I have had to for many years. I never got justice for what happened to me and I think that is some of the reason why I can't move past it. 

I consider myself blessed or lucky, I'm not sure, to be as functioning as I am. I see and hear of so many people that become addicts or abusers themselves and I thank the lord that I am not this way. Don't get me wrong I have my own battles that I deal with on a daily basis. I think I feel a little better now sometimes you just have to get it all out and go from there. 

I consider myself damaged goods but as long as I take it a day at a time I'll make it through

Sometimes your just stuck

Its been a few days since my last post so here is a recap of the past few days.

Wednesday:  I kept myself busy cleaning and organizing the entire garage. I can now park my Envoy in there so I'm safe from the snow and cold this winter! Go me! 

Thursday:  I had to much time to think today. I am sore from cleaning the garage out and want to just sit and relax. This resulted in an anxiety attack. I'm talking heart pounding room pacing anxiety. It has been along time since I have had one of these. Thinking about it today I know I just had to much down time. I have to figure out a way to enjoy this down time and not have a freak out. I know with time and trial and error I will figure out what works for me. 

Friday:   I had my mom and brother and sister over for the weekend. it was a super weekend with little argument and movies and popcorn. We watched The Prince of Persia and The Bounty Hunter both were excellent! I broke down and made homemade popcorn. This has always been Colin's job and I felt strange making it. I'm proud of myself though I didn't even burn it and everyone wanted seconds! Just so you know Colin your duty as popcorn maker will resume the moment you return home as well as waffle making and my morning ovaltine its just not the same when I do it! 

Saturday:   Today was spent gettin crafty! I made Colin a notebook so that he has a special place to write letters to home or just to write down his thoughts as I do here.

<---  Oh yeah I pimped it out Army style! :) 

I want to share this special memory that brings warmth to my heart and a smile to my face. Last year when Colin and I lived in Pocatello he attended ISU. Every day he had to drive back and for back and forth.

                                                            One day he brought me this little flower. --->

Saturday while I was driving to get my sister I saw these flowers all along the side of the freeway and I instantly thought of you. My heart filled with love and I smiled remembering how you brought me this little flower.

A new day

I feel like there is a giant hole in my heart and with every breath I take I have to fight back tears. I know that this lost and painful feeling will pass with a little time. I went to bed early last night hoping that I would get some rest. Most of the night was spent tossing and turning. I did not have you here to put your arm around me. This is one thing that will take a while to get use to. 

Today I plan on getting some things done my number one is to get the garage cleaned up so I can park in there before the snow starts to fall. The other is to get all of your things put in a safe place so that moths and dust don't ruin them. I fear this will be the hardest part of my day.

Brooke went straight to her flat daddy this morning and gave him a kiss and talked to him. Then she took him to the living room so that he could watch Blues Clues with her before she left for Pre-school. This is so very precious and did in fact make me cry. She misses her daddy.

I will smile today knowing that even though you are away from me I am in your every thought and you love me and miss me as much as I do you.

xoxoxo, Rachel

I'll be seeing you

This will be the first of many posts to come. I am calling this blog Operation Acorn. This is my personal journey during this first deployment that I now face. Why Acorn you might ask? Its the nickname that my wonderful husband has given to me.

Today was one of the hardest days of my life. The last morning I had with him for a year and his final moments were rushed and I didn't even get a kiss goodbye... This is not at all how I expected it to be. I just wanted to hold onto him and never let go. The tears flooded my face and It took everything in me to not completely break down. We had a lot of family support today and I thank you all for being there for us on a day when we really needed you.

We got a flat daddy and little miss watched The Princess and The Frog with him today. It was so sweet she sat right next to him on the couch and kept smiling. I will post a pic later of this flat daddy. Its pure genius I tell ya! 

Over all I would say that I'm holding up pretty well. If I could shut my brain off that would be amazing! Little random crying sessions keep happening and I imagine that will be, for a while yet. I know that life will fall into a routine and this year will fly by. Stay busy, stay healthy and laugh often! Oh and watch The Vampire Diaries every Thursday night online that helps too!

Goodnight everyone and I'll report and post pictures soon

xoxoxo, Rachel